Being Myself

to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best

day and night to make you like everybody else

means to fight the hardest battle which any human being

can fight and never stop fighting.

e.e. cummings

Fear vs Life

Has my sincere desire to face my fears head-on, to acknowledge them and accept them as part of who I am, have those desires and actions caused me to lose sight of the other side, the other side of life?

I have embraced the reality of my pain, I have recognized the effects of that pain on my body, I have allowed the pain to hold a very prominent place in my heart and alternately my soul believing that not doing so would only cause more pain and continued struggle to release myself from it. But has that holding close, always within reach created a place of comfort and familiarity that has instead of freeing me, imprisoned me and taken my heart captive, trapping me in the comfort of my pain?

I feel more comfortable with my pain than with life, it is my constant companion, my forever friend and faithful confident. Have I indeed created a place of false security and ultimately no life or joy? I think maybe so.

I know what I am afraid of – there is no question as to what my fears are – I know them intimately and better perhaps than I should, but ultimately I am afraid of being afraid and of not being afraid.

I am surely living my life more from a place of fear than of love - or no fear - and that can't be conducive for growth. Fear is only fear – it has the power that I give it and only what I give it. Fear is not helping me move forward or look to what may be – I am stuck in the pain that my fears have encouraged and fed along the way. My fears have me continually focused on the “what-if's” instead of the “what may be’s” and that focus will not encourage my passion or my ecstasy and I really do want passion and ecstasy in my life.

So I must let go of the fears and let go of the comfort level those fears have created for me. I need to see life from a place of love and of living not from the skewed view of my pain and fear. I’m not sure how to do that but I need to try, I need to find something that will effectively change my view of life and of myself, maybe this is the way to start to find my way out ... just maybe.

I have...

I have survived physical and emotional child abuse, the emotional part until my mid 20’s.

I have outlived my very only “religious right” of a family and am not crazy.

I have lived through two life crushing divorces – one from a man and one from a woman (just covering the bases).

I have lived three entirely different lifetimes in this one, each leading me to the next and once the transfer has occurred, the past life is over but the imprints remain.

I have loved deeply and with more passion than I believed was possible and as a result I have been literally consumed by the void that such love left in its wake.

I have created and birthed from my body two of the most amazingly stunning individuals on the planet and I hold with them in my heart my deepest regret; I will never be able to forgive myself but I did what I had to do and I accept every painful heartbeat knowing it was the right decision.

I have survived being “prayed over” and having “demons” cast out of me, wanting only to be healed, finally realizing that there was nothing to heal and I am exactly who I was created to be.

I have battled through debilitating depressions and come out alive and stronger than before.

I have had countless friends but currently walk through the darkness of being extremely alone and lonely but I’m surviving.

I have loved and loathed my body – sometimes simultaneously – always consumed with my shell, but continue to fight my skewed body image battle.

I have written beautiful moving words and captured breath-taking photographic images and in spite of the fact that I doubt that I am an artist I persist in doing both.

I have spoken before hundreds of people and have done it very well but my paralyzing shyness prevents me from striking up a conversation with a new woman, I however, have not given up.

I have lived with constant pain for years and still get up every morning, pain med free, and tend to my responsibilities.

I have lived through blizzards, tornado’s and hurricane’s, I’ve melted the bottom of my shoes into freshly molten lava, I’ve been crashed over reef and rock by rouge waves and have overcome the inability to walk on my own.

I have gotten back on the bike, both literally and figuratively and live on my own for the first time in my life and take care of myself in almost every way.

I have accepted my femininity and the fact that I love strong women – only women – I am 100% lesbian and I know my Truth and while it is often questioned and doubted by others I will never compromise.

I have a scarred, broken heart with unidentified fears and overwhelming concern but I am strong beyond my imagination and filled to the brim with unrelenting passion.

I have all the answers but am stuck and unable to find my way out … how is that possible and what the hell should I do next?