Just out of sight

~ono kitty~

I feel as if I have been placed inside a huge black cavern – where light rarely pierces the darkness and neither the beginning nor end can be clearly seen. But I’m holding onto hope that this too shall pass …

An idea for a project that I tenuously believe is within my ability to create – but is still too fragile and without substance to share – has gently settled on my heart. I fear that looking too deeply or attempting to grasp it as mine will cause it to flutter away like a newly born butterfly from its cocoon. So I steal glances from the corner of my hearts eye, trying to visualize the beauty that it may contain and the message it is to impart, hoping that it will stay long enough for me to gain the strength necessary to move it into the light of reality.

The path out of this cavern must be found before I can allow this butterfly of an idea loose. Then perhaps I will be able to truly see the potential that lies before me – possibly, then I will finally know the essence of the change that is still lurking just beyond my sight.

Quiet

~leaves from Ana's session~

I’m still here, I’m just quiet and waiting …

Nothing has changed the feelings are still present within my heart and my desire for answers still at times overwhelming.

I’ve taken many photos, these past couple of weekends, of Ana, of my sister-in-law and my nephew – they are all edited and posted in the appropriate galleries.

I’ve seen the beauty of the changing leaves all around me but have yet to feel the urge to get my camera out and capture that beauty with my lens. That concerns me but I can’t seem to force myself even though that is probably exactly what I need to do.

The motivation to take photos for others is strong and present but the desire to take photos for myself is not.

I’m feeling a bit empty and dark inside and I tribute those feelings to the continuing questions and upcoming, yet unknown, change. It is just so hard for me to be present, to be in the moment – this moment – to rest in the unknown and feel secure with the questions.

I’m still here, I’m just quiet and waiting …

Ready for the puck

Ty #17 - October 9, 2010

Life is about being ready and open for when the puck comes your way.

I've been offline for awhile.

Writing and preparing - a lot - but not here.

Trying to be ready for the "puck" that seems to be coming my way.

I'll be back soon.

Authentic Imperfection

"I'm too unique to be perfect!"

As mentioned in my last post I know that change is on the way and that change is going to impact not only my external life but my internal self as well. Being myself fully and living an authentic, honest life is becoming more and more central to my growth. While I've always tried to live such honesty I know from the gift of hindsight that my honesty has only been partial. I've honestly wanted to be the person that others have expected and that I've believed I've "needed" to be but in doing so, I've denied much of my personal truth.

Since my daughter was very young I have encouraged her to embrace and live her truth, so much so that she has "be true" in my handwriting tattooed on her inner wrist. With every fiber of my being, I've wanted her to do nothing but live 100% of her truth and she has and is. However, I have not taken those words to heart, I have not allowed myself to live my own truth and in denying myself that gift, I have limited my opportunities for growth and genuine peace and happiness.

Chookooloonks, by Karen Walrud is a blog that I read faithfully, enjoying her photography and taking her words to heart. She has written/photographed a book celebrating individual, authentic beauty found in each of us and now she has created an offshoot blog dedicated to that specific topic - "Chookooloonks - The Beauty of Different" (click on the title of this post to go there).

Her first post included an interview with Brene Brown talking about authenticity and the fact that being authentic is actually a choice and available to everyone that wants it. Karen also challenged us - me - to write down all of the things that bring joy and grace into our lives, no matter how "insignificant" those items may be. The purpose of this exercise being to make those things "real" then to put that list in a place that is easily accessible, a list that can be referred to time and again bringing authentic joy to the forefront whenever necessary.

So here is my quick and dirty list (some items have been omitted from the blog for privacy reasons):

* Photography

* Writing

* Laughing - a lot

* Time with my kids

* Thrift store shopping

* Shoes - yeah, just shoes

* Hockey - NHL and my nephew's league

* Photographing said hockey

* Decorating my home - and dream loft

* Driving my jeep

* Singing with the radio in said Jeep

* Going to the Library, Art Museum, Natural History Museum

* Eating dinner out

* Building then enjoying a fire in my fireplace

* Spending time in my home

* Driving in the mountains, preferably not on highways

* Being around creative, genuine people

* Embracing my uniqueness

* Sleeping until my body wants to wake up - not by the alarm

* Making others laugh - more with me than at me

* Shopping for clothes and shoes (yes shoes)

* Having a clean home

* Wandering through art supply stores

* Riding my bike with Ana

* Feeling safe and secure in my truth

* Watching my son become an amazing husband

* Being in good physical shape

* Accepting - actually seeing my gifts and allowing them to live in my heart - my heart swells in my chest when I allow myself this one little thing

I am determined that I am going to continue to look for and FIND more things that add joy and grace to my life so this is only the start of my list!

Once again

I mentioned in a previous post that I can feel that change is coming. Well, that feeling has not left me, rather it is becoming more intense and I’m really not sure that I like that, in fact I know that I don’t like it at all.

I keep reminding myself of the struggle that a butterfly must endure to make her way out of her cocoon. Or the tightness a flower bud must release in order to blossom fully. Neither example really makes me feel any better but I keep trying.

I’ve had a very difficult few years and my life has changed drastically from what it once was but apparently that is not enough change for me as I know that more is coming my way.

I really dislike change. In fact, I hate change and all that goes along with it and I have learned from experience that sometimes change is not so good on the other side. Sometimes life’s harder and living is tougher so not only do I hate the process itself but I’m rather gun-shy in regards to what’s on the other side.

If I could be guaranteed that everything would be better “over there” then maybe I wouldn’t resist and fear change quite so much. But I know that guarantees are not possible and the process cannot be thwarted just because “I don’t wanna”.

I also know that my resistance can make the changing more difficult, so like the tight rosebud, I must let go in order to fully blossom.

Letting go … for the 12 millionth time …

p.s. This is my 100th post!

Prepared

I'm ready!!

Bring on the snow!