Fly ... again

My unofficial “word” for 2010 was “fly” but I don’t feel as if I’ve flown at all this past year, rather I’ve stuttered and stopped, floundered and flitted about like a baby bird, standing on the edge but too unsure of my own strength to venture further, doubting the reality of my own wings. And yet it feels as if the process has been progressing as it should – albeit much slower than I would like. Without the expected accomplishment from the past year, I am feeling very drawn once again to make “fly” my word for 2011. But in order to fully accept and welcome the word into my life for another year, I decided that I needed to determine what I’d like my “flying” to feel like.

While imagining my flight, my soul returned to my island home and the Pacific Ocean that surrounded me. Within moments I could feel the undeniable strength and thrust that my own arms created when rising from the depths of the ocean. Strong, sure “flying” movements guiding me under the waves or taking me to the surface where life-giving air rushed into my lungs and the warming sun graced my upturned face.

Such freedom and pride I felt – I knew that I could swim the ocean tides. I knew that I could reach my destination whether it be deep below the surface or the waiting shoreline. I allowed the ocean to carry me, tossing me to and fro, lifting me with each passing wave – I was free in the letting go, I was free in giving myself to the ocean for that time but also free in exercising my choice to return and strong in my ability to make my way back to the sun-kissed shore.

While respecting and being ever mindful of the oceans supremacy, I carried the intensity and the freedom within my heart and in my body while she embraced and covered me, supporting me, challenging me to push further and dive deeper, she held me in her waters and forced me to acknowledge my strength. She gave me my first flying lessons and the ocean and her majesty will forever be part of my spirit.

Now I want to feel those same things with my air-bound wings spread wide. I want to feel the same freedom and pride but within the life that now surrounds me and within my heart and soul. I want to experience the joy of diving and rising with wings to take me to heights yet unknown. To know that I and my wings will be able to control and guide each landing and that I will be able to reach each destination within my vision. I want to know in my heart of hearts that I have everything I need within me and I am more than capable of riding out the waves of life before me using my own wings.

The winds of change have been steadily crashing into me and I’ve tried to stand against them –head-on, facing them, not turning away – but enough is enough and I think this is the year that I finally turn around and allow those winds to lift my wings and carry me into the life before me.

It’s time to put my flying lessons of long ago into practice and allow my wings to carry me forward.

A tiny hope

I have no answers right now to the questions in my heart but I find I can write and I am slowly returning to my camera and those two relatively minor tasks place a seed of hope deep in my being. A tiny hope that maybe, just maybe my transition is coming to a close, my life is going to change – this time for the better – a flickering of hope that I may soon begin to stretch my wings and actually fly.

Bit by bit

Word by word, I write.

Photo by photo, I capture.

Breath by breath, I live.

Heartbeat by heartbeat, I love.

My map

"Art is not just ornamental, an enhancement of life,

but a path in itself, a way out of the predictable and conventional,

a map to self-discovery."

~Gabrielle Roth~

Question

"It's not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

~Eugene Ionesco~

The marvelous

"Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous."

~Bill Meyers~

Remembering

~Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, California~

"Photography is a way of feeling of touching of loving.

What you have caught on film is captured forever ... it remembers little things,

long after you have forgotten everything."

~Aaron Siskind~

Transition

This year has been one of consistent struggle to find my voice, creatively and emotionally. I’ve had wild swings from contentment and abundant creative energy and inspiration to being so hidden away and in the dark that I can’t see my hand before my face.

It almost feels as if I’ve been nurturing a baby with a REALLY long gestational period and during that growing time, I’ve struggled with all the things that a new mother would struggle with – apprehension over whether I can actually do this – excitement for the new life on the way – downright fear over the unknown – amazement that I am actually creating something awesome – belief that I’m doing everything just as I should and then total fear that I am not – etc., etc., etc. and the past couple of months have felt like transition, painful, frustrating, emotion wrenching transition!

Transition occurs just before the actual birthing/pushing part begins. It’s a time that can bring out the extremes in emotion including anger, frustration and fear but it’s also a signal that things are about to happen – hard work is on the way – and a baby is about to be born. It’s exciting, but also terrifying especially for first time moms like I feel I am in this part of my life.

I don’t know the details of this new “life” but I know and have known for quite awhile now that it is on the way and it is something that I need to accept for the gift that it is. I need to be abundantly grateful and equally prepared for it – at least to the degree that any first time mom can really be prepared – and I need to be 100% open for it. Just as the arms of a new mom are open for the gift of the baby she just gave birth to, I need to be similarly open for my gift.

I’ve been doing my best to be the nurturer of the gift that I carry inside my heart and I’ve taken the steps that I can to make its entrance into the world smooth but transition sucks and I’m ready to push and get this thing born already!

It’s only a matter of time now … a baby, even an analogous one, can’t stay inside forever, right?!?