19 February 2010

The girl

I burnt my finger making this beautiful fire tonight. I'm sure that means nothing to the majority of women out there but it means something to me.

I'm the "girl" I have not been the one to start and keep a fire going in my past - I've always had a "boi" or in my way back "boy" to take care of things for me. I now do what needs to be done or to get what I want, like this fire on this snowy, cold night. But I don't like it - at all.

I get my own oil changed - please know that I realize that these are not earth shattering things but they are not things I like to do - I take out my own trash and vacuum my own carpets (that one has always been a bonus for me, in every relationship), I wash my own Jeep and take it to the shop when necessary. I turn on the heating blanket each night (sometimes forgetting until I'm crawling into bed) and I have to tell myself I look good in the morning before I leave for work (sometimes I'm not sure) and I am where the buck stops in every area of my life - and it sucks!!

But I have no other option, I must take care of myself as I'm sure I should have done a gazillion years ago but didn't because I didn't have to. I am proud, however, of where I am at now ... I've come through a lot of really difficult stuff and have learned that I am more than capable of taking care of myself, so I'm not in jeopardy of falling through the proverbial cracks, I just miss being cherished - and cherishing. I miss being taken care of and treated like the girl that I am.

My burn is not looking good and the pain that it causes hurts my heart along with my finger.

But damn it, that fire rocks!!!
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