This year has been one of consistent struggle to find my voice, creatively and emotionally. I’ve had wild swings from contentment and abundant creative energy and inspiration to being so hidden away and in the dark that I can’t see my hand before my face.
It almost feels as if I’ve been nurturing a baby with a REALLY long gestational period and during that growing time, I’ve struggled with all the things that a new mother would struggle with – apprehension over whether I can actually do this – excitement for the new life on the way – downright fear over the unknown – amazement that I am actually creating something awesome – belief that I’m doing everything just as I should and then total fear that I am not – etc., etc., etc. and the past couple of months have felt like transition, painful, frustrating, emotion wrenching transition!
Transition occurs just before the actual birthing/pushing part begins. It’s a time that can bring out the extremes in emotion including anger, frustration and fear but it’s also a signal that things are about to happen – hard work is on the way – and a baby is about to be born. It’s exciting, but also terrifying especially for first time moms like I feel I am in this part of my life.
I don’t know the details of this new “life” but I know and have known for quite awhile now that it is on the way and it is something that I need to accept for the gift that it is. I need to be abundantly grateful and equally prepared for it – at least to the degree that any first time mom can really be prepared – and I need to be 100% open for it. Just as the arms of a new mom are open for the gift of the baby she just gave birth to, I need to be similarly open for my gift.
I’ve been doing my best to be the nurturer of the gift that I carry inside my heart and I’ve taken the steps that I can to make its entrance into the world smooth but transition sucks and I’m ready to push and get this thing born already!
It’s only a matter of time now … a baby, even an analogous one, can’t stay inside forever, right?!?