25 January 2010

A Fog

I am in a fog … my mind clouded; clear thought obscured from view … my heart without feeling – numbness reigning control. A fog creatively … lost in a lack of imagination and vision of what could be. A fog … an all encompassing fog and I don’t seem to be able to clear it from my view. A dense blanket covers my world right now hiding me from myself and from everything else, good and bad.

I ache to move both literally and figuratively. My body hurts, as it always does, but the pain now provides excuse to stay put, to not go to the gym, to not move beyond what is required to continue to function in my day-to-day life. The pain also contributes to the fog – yes, I know this is true, I know that moving would help to clear some of the haze at least from my brain, but still I don’t move. Why?

I decided to “take a break” from the gym in October last year as I prepared for my move. This was entirely justified and actually necessary at points along the way as I had much to do, from finding my new home to packing and performing the move itself. However, my move was completed mid-November and I had no justifiable excuse to continue my “break”. But continue I did and upon returning in December, the changes to my body were extreme and my progress completely halted and in fact reversed. I had gained unwanted weight and lost all of the tone that I had worked so hard to attain – it was bad and I was discouraged to tears. For some, that point would light a fire under their ass and they’d get back at it with a vengeance … me, not so much. It resulted in just the opposite and now I am paying the price not only physically but mentally as well.

This body of mine at this age does not “keep its shape” as it once did, it does not bounce back or return to the “good place” as easily, in fact it fights me every step of the way. That sucks – a lot – and makes it even more difficult for me to get in my Jeep and drive to the gym and work myself out as I need to. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that if I do not start this part, if I don’t get my body back into sync, I will not be able to clear the fog from the other areas in my life where it now resides.

It’s hard to accept my body at this stage in my life … very hard.
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