Has my sincere desire to face my fears head-on, to acknowledge them and accept them as part of who I am, have those desires and actions caused me to lose sight of the other side, the other side of life?
I have embraced the reality of my pain, I have recognized the effects of that pain on my body, I have allowed the pain to hold a very prominent place in my heart and alternately my soul believing that not doing so would only cause more pain and continued struggle to release myself from it. But has that holding close, always within reach created a place of comfort and familiarity that has instead of freeing me, imprisoned me and taken my heart captive, trapping me in the comfort of my pain?
I feel more comfortable with my pain than with life, it is my constant companion, my forever friend and faithful confident. Have I indeed created a place of false security and ultimately no life or joy? I think maybe so.
I know what I am afraid of – there is no question as to what my fears are – I know them intimately and better perhaps than I should, but ultimately I am afraid of being afraid and of not being afraid.
I am surely living my life more from a place of fear than of love - or no fear - and that can't be conducive for growth. Fear is only fear – it has the power that I give it and only what I give it. Fear is not helping me move forward or look to what may be – I am stuck in the pain that my fears have encouraged and fed along the way. My fears have me continually focused on the “what-if's” instead of the “what may be’s” and that focus will not encourage my passion or my ecstasy and I really do want passion and ecstasy in my life.
So I must let go of the fears and let go of the comfort level those fears have created for me. I need to see life from a place of love and of living not from the skewed view of my pain and fear. I’m not sure how to do that but I need to try, I need to find something that will effectively change my view of life and of myself, maybe this is the way to start to find my way out ... just maybe.