08 June 2010

I have...

I have survived physical and emotional child abuse, the emotional part until my mid 20’s.

I have outlived my very only “religious right” of a family and am not crazy.

I have lived through two life crushing divorces – one from a man and one from a woman (just covering the bases).

I have lived three entirely different lifetimes in this one, each leading me to the next and once the transfer has occurred, the past life is over but the imprints remain.

I have loved deeply and with more passion than I believed was possible and as a result I have been literally consumed by the void that such love left in its wake.

I have created and birthed from my body two of the most amazingly stunning individuals on the planet and I hold with them in my heart my deepest regret; I will never be able to forgive myself but I did what I had to do and I accept every painful heartbeat knowing it was the right decision.

I have survived being “prayed over” and having “demons” cast out of me, wanting only to be healed, finally realizing that there was nothing to heal and I am exactly who I was created to be.

I have battled through debilitating depressions and come out alive and stronger than before.

I have had countless friends but currently walk through the darkness of being extremely alone and lonely but I’m surviving.

I have loved and loathed my body – sometimes simultaneously – always consumed with my shell, but continue to fight my skewed body image battle.

I have written beautiful moving words and captured breath-taking photographic images and in spite of the fact that I doubt that I am an artist I persist in doing both.

I have spoken before hundreds of people and have done it very well but my paralyzing shyness prevents me from striking up a conversation with a new woman, I however, have not given up.

I have lived with constant pain for years and still get up every morning, pain med free, and tend to my responsibilities.

I have lived through blizzards, tornado’s and hurricane’s, I’ve melted the bottom of my shoes into freshly molten lava, I’ve been crashed over reef and rock by rouge waves and have overcome the inability to walk on my own.

I have gotten back on the bike, both literally and figuratively and live on my own for the first time in my life and take care of myself in almost every way.

I have accepted my femininity and the fact that I love strong women – only women – I am 100% lesbian and I know my Truth and while it is often questioned and doubted by others I will never compromise.

I have a scarred, broken heart with unidentified fears and overwhelming concern but I am strong beyond my imagination and filled to the brim with unrelenting passion.

I have all the answers but am stuck and unable to find my way out … how is that possible and what the hell should I do next?

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