12 July 2010

I still miss her

My Ana-girl

So I now realize that letting go includes my letting go of Ana – it sucks, a lot – but I know that I must let go of her. She is a grown woman (well as grown as 22 almost 23 can be) and she has lived her life on her own for several years. But in her transition from Fort Collins to the big city of Denver, she stayed with me, she and her cat Ono that is, and I got very comfortable having them both underfoot. Granted, my tiny one bedroom apartment was far from ideal for two adults and a cat and it was time for her to go when she finally left, for many reasons, but I still miss her.

She has the most wonderful little apartment only 5 city blocks from me and she has a job and friends, some old and trying to make some new. She is making herself a beautiful home and I know that it will be the haven that she wants. She is creating her own life and she really has no need for me on a day-to-day basis but I still miss her.

I’ve stopped calling or texting every day – freaking hard! – and I’m doing my best to not worry when I don’t hear back from her. She is an amazingly strong young woman with gifts beyond description and she is finding her way back to them but there are things that I know she is struggling with. Some of those things I struggle with as well and so I worry about her wellbeing on every level and I need to let her find her own way but I still miss her.

Ana now lives in the “CITY” which is different from any place she has ever lived in her entire life. Granted Fort Collins seemed huge to her when she moved for college from Hawaii but the CITY is really big and now she’s smack-dab in the middle of it, exactly where she wants to be. I know that she can take care of herself and I only live blocks away but I still miss her.

Her presence allowed me to focus on her for awhile, it was nice to be able to really be “mom” for a little bit, I missed so much of that when I came to the mainland. She was only 7 years old and my heart still tightens and my eyes well with tears over the decision that I made – and that my compassionate, understanding kids have forgiven me for but that I will never will. I missed her and Luke so much during those years, the summers far from long enough, the lifetimes of living gone. I missed her then and even though she lives nearby and she’s physically closer than ever before I still miss her.

So letting go includes things that I haven’t even thought of yet – things that I thought I had already let go of, living that I believed I had already dealt with. Things within that fortress of my heart, where I keep the pain and fear, that is where this letting go lives and why I must release my hold on Ana and let her go her own way … but I still miss her.

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