08 March 2010

Remembering?

I used to have dreams that would come true on a very regular basis until I dreamt that someone was going to die. Thankfully, that did not happen and I did all I could to ensure that measures were taken so that it wouldn’t even resemble my dream. But because of the gravity of the situation, I purposefully, consciously shut off my dreams and refused to remember any ever again – I was scared beyond belief and I obviously have no idea if the incident mentioned would have occurred but as an already confused 20 year old, it was too much for me to be responsible for.


Many, many years later here I am, no longer adverse to the possibility of once again remembering my dreams but still not really doing so. Most mornings I wake without any feeling or memory of what may have played through my mind during my sleeping hours. Until recently …


Starting about 3-4 weeks ago I began having this “thing” happen in my dreams and while the bits that may float in my head tend to be full of random stuff this one element has occurred, as of last night four times, in four separate random dreams, on four completely unrelated nights. No alcohol or drugs have been a factor in my day and no notable incident has occurred at any time during my waking hours, at least anything that I have been able to recall. So, I’m hoping that maybe by putting it out there the Universe will grace me with some clarity and answers.


This is what happens: I’m in my dream doing whatever (I seriously don’t remember any specifics of the dream prior to the event*) and I need to be able to see something – with my eyes, see something – but I can’t open them. I get more and more frantic as I try again and again to open my eyes but just can’t. This anxiousness leads to total body reaction where not only can’t I see but now I can’t breathe either and I feel like I am going to suffocate – blind.


The end always results in the same frenzied waking, sitting up, gasping for air, my eyes searching for any indication as to what just happened, and while I can’t find any reason, I am filled with a sense of relief that I can still see and I am still breathing! But then the anxiousness returns and the feelings of fear and dread don’t leave me. Even the rest of the night’s sleep does not remove the feelings and they remain still in the back of my heart.


In my logical brain, it appears that I am not seeing some deep dark secret within myself and my subconscious is fighting to do just that. I’ve tried to think of every possible option as to what that secret may be including – this is funny – maybe I’m not really a lesbian. That is how desperate my mind is to find out what this “thing” is so that I will no longer be tortured by these dreams. (I’m NOT straight by the way – that is a 100%certainty – so no worries, or hopes. I am as gay as I was the day I was born – and f-ing proud of it!) The fact that I even for a moment (and that’s about all it got) considered that I might be straight speaks volume’s to the anxiety I am feeling inside over this and that’s not a good thing for me – not a good thing at all.


*While writing this I have remembered something from last night’s dream and while I won’t put the details on “paper” here, I can say that it has to do with the abuse that I experienced as a child at least I think it’s about me. But this only leads to more questions as I have honestly come to a place of peace about that time in my life and have no need to relive or revisit it and frankly I can’t see any reason whatsoever to even think about it, especially now. I also don’t have the feelings of fear and dread associated with this part of the dream it’s more a “matter-of-fact” feeling.


In this dream I am a little boy, not my son and not my younger brother, just a boy and that confuses me even more. Why a little boy? Also with last night’s dream, I could see “me” as the boy but I was myself again (yet he was there?) when I couldn’t open my eyes and again couldn’t breathe and I alone woke with all of the fear and panic as with the other dreams. I was also able to properly “interpret” some misconceptions by the little boy of what was happening to him (me), so I was fully him for awhile but fully me at the end.


I don’t know what this all means and it’s really starting to freak me out – what the hell am I supposed to be “seeing” or remembering and why now, why me?

2 comments:

Ginnie Hart said...

I'm suddenly laughing and crying and holding your hand and hugging you all at the same time, Linda. Dreams can be do freaky! I was telling Astrid this morning that I had a dream last night where I was back in Peru, getting ready to do the missionary-linguist thing I did back when I was 24. What was THAT about?!

I wonder if with your dream you get any new information with each new "viewing?" Does it scare you more or less each new time? Ohhhh, I wish I were a dream analyst! It's an area that fascinates me. They say we are every person in our dreams. Is that so?

I would like to believe (wishful thinker that I am) you are on the edge of seeing something very big and beautiful...more wonderful than you could possibly imagine for yourself. The thing is, it doesn't matter if you aren't totally ready for it. It only matters that you WANT to see. Maybe that's what the dream is telling you...that it may scare the s*** out of you but you really do want to see what's in front of your very eyes. I totally believe that about you. And I totally believe you WILL see what you're supposed to be seeing.

Please make sure you give us an update as it happens. :)

stacie said...

I found your lovely blog and thought I would give a shot at your dream. I get this info from a great book, The Dreamer's Dictionary, by Barbara Condron. Dreams are direct communication to your conscious, waking self from your subconscious self. The language is symbolic, but once you understand your subconscious' language, you have a direct line to your inherent inner wisdom.
Eyes-Are you looking but not seeing? IF your dream reports a disorder of your eyes it indicates a difficulty in clear, mental perception. Blindness in a dream indicates a refusal to perceive and discern. You will want to identify the aspect of Self failing to use this avenue of receiving for more understanding. The little boy that you become could be your subconscious aspect of a new idea that can develop and mature into a new aspect of your Self. It can be reflecting a new skill, talent or ability that you may be practicing or considering to make a part of yourself. Perhaps this new skill started to appear during a traumatic time in your life and you shut it out or off. Your dream could indicate that it might be in your best interest to go toward this new talent, skill or aspect of yourself that you shut off previously. I would imagine there might be a connection to when you were young. Dream interpretation can be a great way to really get to know yourself...but I have found The Dreamer's Dictionary to be the very best book on this subject. Hope it helps and I look forward to reading more about your journey. BTW, your dream will usually reflect something that happened during the day before the dream-a learning, a synchronistic event or something that triggered your subconscious to communicate with you. The more emotion attached to your dream (waking up gasping for breath) means it is REALLY trying to get your attention.