08 March 2010

Remembering?

I used to have dreams that would come true on a very regular basis until I dreamt that someone was going to die. Thankfully, that did not happen and I did all I could to ensure that measures were taken so that it wouldn’t even resemble my dream. But because of the gravity of the situation, I purposefully, consciously shut off my dreams and refused to remember any ever again – I was scared beyond belief and I obviously have no idea if the incident mentioned would have occurred but as an already confused 20 year old, it was too much for me to be responsible for.


Many, many years later here I am, no longer adverse to the possibility of once again remembering my dreams but still not really doing so. Most mornings I wake without any feeling or memory of what may have played through my mind during my sleeping hours. Until recently …


Starting about 3-4 weeks ago I began having this “thing” happen in my dreams and while the bits that may float in my head tend to be full of random stuff this one element has occurred, as of last night four times, in four separate random dreams, on four completely unrelated nights. No alcohol or drugs have been a factor in my day and no notable incident has occurred at any time during my waking hours, at least anything that I have been able to recall. So, I’m hoping that maybe by putting it out there the Universe will grace me with some clarity and answers.


This is what happens: I’m in my dream doing whatever (I seriously don’t remember any specifics of the dream prior to the event*) and I need to be able to see something – with my eyes, see something – but I can’t open them. I get more and more frantic as I try again and again to open my eyes but just can’t. This anxiousness leads to total body reaction where not only can’t I see but now I can’t breathe either and I feel like I am going to suffocate – blind.


The end always results in the same frenzied waking, sitting up, gasping for air, my eyes searching for any indication as to what just happened, and while I can’t find any reason, I am filled with a sense of relief that I can still see and I am still breathing! But then the anxiousness returns and the feelings of fear and dread don’t leave me. Even the rest of the night’s sleep does not remove the feelings and they remain still in the back of my heart.


In my logical brain, it appears that I am not seeing some deep dark secret within myself and my subconscious is fighting to do just that. I’ve tried to think of every possible option as to what that secret may be including – this is funny – maybe I’m not really a lesbian. That is how desperate my mind is to find out what this “thing” is so that I will no longer be tortured by these dreams. (I’m NOT straight by the way – that is a 100%certainty – so no worries, or hopes. I am as gay as I was the day I was born – and f-ing proud of it!) The fact that I even for a moment (and that’s about all it got) considered that I might be straight speaks volume’s to the anxiety I am feeling inside over this and that’s not a good thing for me – not a good thing at all.


*While writing this I have remembered something from last night’s dream and while I won’t put the details on “paper” here, I can say that it has to do with the abuse that I experienced as a child at least I think it’s about me. But this only leads to more questions as I have honestly come to a place of peace about that time in my life and have no need to relive or revisit it and frankly I can’t see any reason whatsoever to even think about it, especially now. I also don’t have the feelings of fear and dread associated with this part of the dream it’s more a “matter-of-fact” feeling.


In this dream I am a little boy, not my son and not my younger brother, just a boy and that confuses me even more. Why a little boy? Also with last night’s dream, I could see “me” as the boy but I was myself again (yet he was there?) when I couldn’t open my eyes and again couldn’t breathe and I alone woke with all of the fear and panic as with the other dreams. I was also able to properly “interpret” some misconceptions by the little boy of what was happening to him (me), so I was fully him for awhile but fully me at the end.


I don’t know what this all means and it’s really starting to freak me out – what the hell am I supposed to be “seeing” or remembering and why now, why me?

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