04 August 2010

Capturing the invisible

Capturing the invisible in today's rain shower.

About a year and a half ago, I was in a very different place in regards to my body image and acceptance of myself in that regard. I took many self portraits during that time, using the opportunity to teach myself new photographic techniques and experiment with different methods of shooting. I enjoyed the process and was very pleased with the results - I took some great photos and taking them helped me to see myself in an entirely different way, one that happened to make me very happy.

Enter current day ... I am horrified at the thought of taking self portraits in the same manner as I did before. I've limited my "self's" to my face and upper body only, knowing that the rest of me has changed in ways that I do not like and would disgust me even more to see in a photo. (The self portraits in my past posts are from that more positive time.) But I'm trying to change how I see myself and trying to accept myself regardless of the physical form that I currently occupy.

I have been feeling that I should start another self portrait series but am so hesitant to actually capture my body in photographs. My face shots are not what I am feeling led to take but they are easy, I've also considered a "shoe series" because my feet aren't any fatter and I actually LOVE shoes but that is just another way to procrastinate in doing what I feel I need to do.

My instincts are pushing me to take the photos but my head and the messages that play over and over again are giving me every reason not to. It's a current struggle that mimics the one I have fought all my life and one that I need to once and for all end. My goal needs to be to see the body that houses who I am and accept it as it is and to also capture the invisible me and seize and acknowledge that beauty with my photos as well.

Whether taking the photos will actually quell the voices and the fears that have occupied my heart for as long as I can remember or just give them fuel for their destructive fires is yet to be determined but I know I will soon have to give in and at least start the process.

One thing that I have learned over the past tumultuous years is that the Universe does not easily let my soul off the hook when she has something for my growth. In learning to hear her voice within my own, I no longer have the ability to shut it off or deny it's message. It's a double edged sword but one that cuts clean and only when necessary.

The next lesson in self acceptance is on the horizon and I'm preparing for the battle. It may be painful - it usually is - but the pain will be quick lived if I can learn the lesson promptly and truly grasp that the pain is only fear and fear is something that I no longer want in my life.

Again I am making the conscious choice to choose love, even - especially - love for myself ... and love always wins.
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